The Path Out: Can Child Abuse Be Stopped without Revenge?

Is there a tipping point in horrific child abuse cases where we shift from rage to compassion?

I don’t know, but if there is, I came close to it today. It came from back-to-back news stories about locked up children. One story detailed the situation of a boy in North Carolina, chained to a porch with a dead animal tied around his neck. The other children in the house were living in filth and starving.

This story triggered my righteous anger reflex. When I read about such things it is nearly impossible for me not to “deal with it” by imagining horrific revenge meted out on the adults who would do something like this. I think our own rage/revenge reflex is a coping mechanism for the wash of sadness and powerlessness that comes over us when we have to confront the bad things done to children, the things from which they may never recover. For me, sometimes it’s also about my own anger at being exposed to something I will never be able to forget, no matter how much I want to forget it. This is secondary but it compounds my intense reaction.

Then I read the headline for another story, one so disturbing that I have not been able to bring myself to read it. It involved a child found locked up and so desperate that she had started doing something unimaginable to herself to survive.

I’m not sure why this was my tipping point, but it was.

I started to feel something other than rage toward the people who had done this terrible thing. I felt sadness. For the first time in my life, I felt sadness for the lost people who have made their legacy one of fear and pain and death.

Anger and revenge are glamorized. They feel good and they burn off painful emotions for a little while. They can even give you an identity if you need one; I have an acquaintance who makes it his business to make sure everyone knows that he will seek public revenge on you if he decides he doesn’t like you for some reason. I doubt I am going to show up on his list, but you never know. He’s vain enough to be convinced this is about him, not about social justice and not about compassion and not about forgiveness.

Revenge, when spun out as deserved and the only means to justice, is very attractive. You can do something. You can take all of your hurt and your disappointment and your anger and do something. You can hurt back. You can tangibly show the world you won’t stand for something.

But what if the path out is intangible?

What if the only real way out of these terrible stories is through compassion, and forgiveness, and speaking out for those who are so damaged they are capable of hurting children this way?

Part of me hopes this isn’t the answer because it’s so hard, and I’m no good at it.

But part of me hopes this is right. Because moving forward in a different light, in any light, feels better than piling on to the very bad things that brought it all up in the first place.

WARNING: Kanawha County in the rearview mirror

My home community of Kanawha County, West Virginia, held a vote on a levy that would have restored funding to the public library system (long story) and shored-up the county school system’s budget against federal funding drops and self-imposed levy caps.

Voters overwhelmingly defeated the proposal to meet these financial needs with additional property taxes. Superintendent Ron Duerring said Saturday that “everything will be on the table,” as they look for budget cuts.

“There will be cuts in pretty much every area — staffing, transportation, you name it,” one principal said. “The possibility of students paying to participate in extracurricular activities is not one that I look forward to.”

The library has a few short months to come up with millions of dollars or start closing county branches.

What on earth?

It all reminds me of a religion/ethics lecture I heard about three years ago at Davidson College:

What does this mean anyway?

Our professor suggested this: “Maybe when you read something in ancient texts, and it doesn’t make any sense, maybe just maybe you’re not focused on what the writer is really trying to tell you.”  Of course, his big maybe was a polite and gentle way of saying that people get into all kinds of arguments about things that are not really the point.

Distance lends perspective, and living in a different community right now I am starting to refocus on some painful dysfunctions in the Kanawha County public discourse system. It’s not that I didn’t know they were there, but it’s easier to see when I suddenly am surrounded by something else. In New England, there is a long tradition of transparent and straightforward public meetings. When we have a meeting about an issue of public importance you are often read a “warning,” and it’s read to you three times. The first time this happened I was scared to death. WARNING! What?

Oh, it’s just a heads up that something important needs your consideration and thoughtful decision. And we know making a big decision takes time and education. So, here you go: Three times we are going to tell you what is coming up and what is at stake, and you have plenty of time to ask questions and get answers, in public.

Norman Rockwell painted “Freedom of Speech” using his Vermont neighbors as models.

There is plenty of disagreement  in Vermont, just as there is anywhere else. But the process tends to support a well-reasoned and informed debate, and even when you don’t get what you want you’re rarely left with the bitter taste of feeling like you were the victim of dark politics and pure ignorance.

I can’t say that about Kanawha County. I want to, but I’d be lying.

Maybe it’s our enormous income gaps, or maybe it’s our labor-strike-dynamics-to-every-fight legacy. I don’t know. But whatever it is my beloved home place has got to turn this ship around, and soon.

There are a lot of proud stands against perceived inefficiency and mismanagement and budget-balancing on the backs of those least able to pay. I understand that frustration. My family is a one-income family right now, and a couple of hundred dollars a year is the difference between having some things we need and not having those things. I, too, would expect clear and compelling evidence as to why this is necessary. Apparently that didn’t happen.

But the scary thing is that it was ever “okay” for certain things to be on the chopping block.  My fervent hope is that as a community Kanawha County can pull together and talk about its values. I grew up there. I know children and education are important to most people in the community. To everyone? No. But those people are so few that they alone could never do the damage that as done with this body blow to the public good. There is a bigger hole here.

There needs to be a coalition that doesn’t pit responsible fiscal management against kids.

These do not have to be opposing goals. But there does have to be an “outing” of who always gets what they want and is never held accountable and who doesn’t.

The whole thing is so classic it would be laughable if it weren’t so tragic. It traditionally works like this: Status quo interests don’t want the masses tuned into their self-interests, so they steer the general public toward cannibalism.  Why, I wonder, can’t there be an insistence that something like the levy was not an acceptable solution and send the whole thing back to the drawing board?

WARNING: The public will be asked to vote up or down an inappropriate proposal to increase taxes to support our schools and public library system. We ask that we be presented with a source of funds from cuts to less-essential public services.

WARNING: We the public will keep insisting that you do better until you do better. This proposal is unacceptable.

WARNING: We are not kidding.

Look, I feel for the over-taxed and under-paid. I do. I’m about up to here with it as well. But I just hope that Kanawha Countians can work through this frustration to a better way to deal with it than listening to fear-mongers and assuming the worst of those least likely to want to deceive them.

Ask yourself, are people who’ve devote their lives to sharing books and literacy and youth development more likely to jerk your chain than career politicians and out-of-state corporations?

I love you, KC. Don’t give up.

(For more information, read The Charleston Gazette, Libraries to begin searching for funds.)