collusion

Collusion & Confusion: The “Loyalty” Crisis at Penn State

/ Elizabeth Gaucher / 13 Comments
  1. a secret agreement, especially for fraudulent or treacherous purposes; conspiracy.
  2. Law. a secret understanding between two or more persons to gain something illegally, to defraud another of his or her rights, or to appear as adversaries through an agreement.

I once had dinner with a counselor who worked for a nonprofit organization that supports victims of domestic violence.  One of her programs involved recruiting men who did not have a history of DV to meet with and counsel men who had been identified as abusers.  I am fortunate to know a lot of quality guys who (I thought) would be great in this role, and I mentioned I would like to make some referrals.

Her words were slow and measured, and I can’t forget them.

“It’s not as easy as finding great guys.  It is a very complex dynamic when men talk, and it takes an unusual person to avoid colluding with the abuser.”

This was years ago, and I still don’t think I’m over it.  I was instantly very upset and even angry and defensive internally when I heard her words.  These were my best guys, my husband, my brother-in-law, lifelong friends I was bringing her and she thought they had the potential to collude with these horrible, abusive, violent criminals?  I was offended, and though I never said anything but, “Thank you, I’ll think about that,” I did not pursue getting involved with the program.

In my heart I know the real reason I was upset by her words, and that is because I knew instantly that they were true.

All of us have the potential to become lost when we get involved with very layered and complicated relationships.  This is because it can be overwhelming, and seems instantly easier in a tough spot to just deal with a small moment in time.

I’m counseling this guy, and he just said “Sometimes my wife just gets so mouthy it wears me out, you know?  She won’t do anything I tell her, I just lose it, I smack her around to make her be quiet.  You’ve been there, right, man?”  And I say, “Right man, I know.  Marriage is tough.”  Because I’m thinking, what do I say? Maybe I can help him by relating, by gaining his trust……

And as easy as that, you are IN.  I’ve seen it a thousand times, both men and women, people not wanting to ignite or exacerbate an already volatile situation and you just think, I’ll get past this and then we will figure it out.  I’ve done it, and I bet you have, too.

Sometimes, maybe it’s the only way, and I know we all do the best we can with what we have where we are.  But this very sad and disappointing scandal at Penn State is a reminder that even good guys, the best guys, can get lost without a road map with a very simple set of directions, and from which you never — ever — deviate.

When someone commits a violent crime against another person, there cannot be time to buy and layers to work through before we take action.  That action must result in the perpetrator being confronted and held accountable by law enforcement.  Too often we seem to think that our calling the police is what gets a person in trouble, and of course that’s crazy.  When you punch your spouse in the face, or when you engage a child in a sex act (either with or without their implied consent) you are in trouble of your own making.

We can’t rely on the minimum required by institutional procedures and policies.

Decide with me today that you will call the police when you have knowledge of a crime against another person, and especially against a child.  Don’t ask questions, and don’t wait.  Decide with me today that loyalty to a just and peaceful society that protects children is the only “winning team” you care to be on.

(Here is the most haunting article on this situation I have read to date: http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/5881996/33197750)

On This Day for Women, Look at Yourself

/ Elizabeth Gaucher / Leave a comment

Today is celebrated as International Women’s Day.

I really wanted to pull out of myself something relevant and meaningful connected to one sit-com star’s notorious public meltdown, because I believe our collective reaction to him is telling.  The bad news is it’s not telling about him — he’s pretty clearly an open and shut case.  It’s telling about the rest of us.

He’s hilarious.  He’s sad.  He’s an addict.  He needs help.  He needs understanding.  Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to live that guy’s life?  He’s like, he’s like, he’s like a rock star from Mars!

Actually, no.  He’s a drug addict.  He may be depressed.  He’s a man with an extensive history of violence towards women.  He shows not one shred of respect for anyone, not even himself.  And we have made him the god he believes himself to be.

Anna Holmes does an excellent job in her op-ed from March 3, 2011, The Disposable Woman – NYTimes.com, of holding up the mirror to our co-conspiracy with the warlock against women.  Who has said he’s not funny?  Who has said to the women who find themselves on the wrong end of a gun or a knife in his presence that they are deserving of compassion, of understanding, of help?

As Jennifer Pozner points out in her recent book “Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty-Pleasure TV,” misogyny is embedded within the DNA of the reality genre. One of the very first millennial shows, in fact, “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire,” was notable in that it auctioned off what producers called the “biggest prize of all”: a supposedly wealthy B-movie writer named Rick Rockwell — who was later revealed to have had a restraining order filed against him by a woman he’d threatened to kill. According to Ms. Pozner, the reaction of one of the producers of “Multimillionaire” was, “Great! More publicity!”

On reality television, gratuitous violence and explicit sexuality are not only entertainment but a means to an end. These enthusiastically documented humiliations are positioned as necessities in the service of some final prize or larger benefit — a marriage proposal, a modeling contract, $1 million. But they also make assault and abasement seem commonplace, acceptable behavior, tolerated by women and encouraged in men.

What are we watching on television?  Who are we paying to reinforce these ideas?  When did it become entertaining for good people to watch others cry, and hurt, and be embarrassed, and degraded?  Perhaps as long as we’ve bought into the idea that certain classes of women are disposable garbage.

The warlock is crafty, that is hard to deny.  He has an attraction, probably not accidental, to women who are unsympathetic and who some consider not quite fully human.  He likes marginal actresses and models, prostitutes and porn stars.  He gathers up women who possess a fragile sense of self and then proceeds to play nice until the next bender.  Then, if we are to believe one of his ex-wives, it’s literally off with her head.  Get involved with this guy?  You get what you deserve.  Plus, he’s hilarious.  If you can honestly say you haven’t colluded in this in any way, you’re a better person than I.

On International Women’s Day, I’m looking at myself and doing the hard work of addressing how much I play into all this.  It’s more than I care to admit.

“You’re entitled to behave however the hell you like as long as you don’t scare the horses and the children,” Mr. Morgan said at one point. Scaring women, it seems, was just fine.

During the interview, a series of images played on a continuous loop. One of them was a defiant and confident-looking Charlie Sheen, in a mug shot taken after his 2009 domestic violence arrest.

Image credit: Deviant Art