A Few Good Men

Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

Recently I’ve connected with the Good Men Project.  This work is so important, and the people doing it are so good at what they do, it boggles the mind.  One of the best aspects of the effort is that it’s the GOOD Men Project.  Not the Perfect Men.  Not the Simple Men.  Not the Straight Men or the Gay Men, the Married Men or the Black Men.  The Good Men.

There is a lot of space for honesty and diversity in this conversation.

If you don’t know about the project, you owe it to yourself to bookmark the site and especially the blog.  I am just beginning to get into all that is going on with the project, but it was my first foray into the conversation that hooked me.  As fair warning, the rest of this post addresses issues of rape and sexual assault; many of us have experienced the threat of or actual event of such things, and it is important to know in advance whether or not you care to pursue the topic.  I hope you will choose to read on, because as difficult as it is to engage, there are opportunities to learn things and to take actions that can make a positive difference in people’s lives.

What first grabbed my attention was a headline that read “In Yale fraternity pledging, rape is a laughing matter.”  Yale?  I thought this has to be a joke.  Oh no, it’s not a joke.  The pledge class from a certain fraternity marched around campus this fall chanting, “No means yes” and other things not suitable for print here (you can read it on the Good Men Project site).  I thought I might vomit when I read the story, but I pulled it together and read on to the (now) 100 comments. 

This is where it started to get Good.  Really Good.

The Good Men Project is creating space for dialogue about the things no one wants to talk about, but that we desperately need to figure out.  Yes, there is some unavoidable anger in the back-and-forth comments, but the overarching feeling is one of working toward understanding that can lead to change.  One especially moving story from the comments reads like this:

What if your daughter was a rape victim? Would you still tell her to ignore it? I really do see where you’re coming from. I don’t mean disrespect. I want to help you understand what I go through, which is unfortunately common.

I was in a female physiology class with a surprising amount of men (usually women take the large majority, but it was almost half/half). My teacher invited a speaker and had us close our eyes and raise our hands if we agree with the statement.  She started out with statements like, “I would rather walk with a friend during the dark.” A lot of people raised their hands.

Then she proceeded to statements like, “I would not walk alone during the dark ever.” Some hands started coming down from the men. Then she got a little more personal, “I am afraid of being raped.” Then the hands went back up. “I am so afraid of rape, I avoid certain places all together and am limited on a daily basis.”  Then, “I feel that my gender is objectified and disrespected at least twice a day.”

I couldn’t see a male raising his hand anywhere. Some men spoke out saying things like, “I had no idea that this many women felt so much fear and disrespect.” Others said, “It’s hard to believe that women have so much to worry about and that they’re limited because of this worry.”

One young man, said something that really touched me. He said something like, “This is disgusting. It’s disgusting that I was only aware of this 21 years into my life. I think about my sister, my mom, my daughter.  As a man, I have to influence other men.  They need to know women go through this.” I hope that maybe you’ll take something away from realizing the sh*t some people have to go through.

It is said that to know everything is to understand everything.  We can never know everything, but the more we know about each other the closer we can get to understanding why others conduct themselves the way they do.  We can know more about the effect of our words and actions on other people.  We can become more willing to share personal stories that illustrate diverse experiences and we can ask for help and understanding.

There is a lone guy in the comments who goes by “Daddy Files.”  He really takes some serious lumps, and I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it.  But the incredible thing is his willingness to keep coming back into the dialogue, despite the intense opposition to his point of view.  His point of view may not be popular, but he represents a large constituency when it comes to “boys will be boys” philosophy.  His willingness to keep driving the conversation fascinates me, and while I think he’s very confused about the difference between right and wrong, I also think the Good Men Project community owes him a debt of thanks for not letting a very tough issue sail off into the sunset entirely unresolved.

Let’s keep talking.


When you visit the Good Men Project website, you can also find them on Facebook and Twitter.  Image credit:  The Good Men Project

5 thoughts on “A Few Good Men

  1. Elizabeth,

    Thanks so much for the kind words. Good discussion is exactly what we’re aiming for, and that post inspired a really stellar one. The comment you referenced was one of my favorites.

    Great to have you connected!

    • Jack, that is an interesting word choice and observation. I agree there is a pattern of an immediacy to the responses that goes from zero to 60 in a very short period of time. That lack of time to get into dialogue is part of the challenge I think. Many issues seem to allow more space between “I think” and “I think” that helps the process of understanding one another. This is an issue that if someone “doesn’t get it” right away the trust factor becomes almost non existent; and once trust is gone, little can progress. Thank you for bringing up this dynamic. Being aware of the patterns of dialogue has got to be part of it getting better.

  2. Wow, this relates directly to what I posted this morning on my blog! We have a problem. We (society) socialize men to be a certain way and we teach women to expect them to behave that way and to, in a real sense, organize huge chunks of their lives to accommodate and/or avoid that behavior when it’s destructive.

    I notice also that many young girls grow up thinking that men who don’t fit the norm for masculinity are weird, less desirable, effeminate (how sad that to call a man effeminate is an insult, because the effectiveness of the insult derives from a devaluing of traits generally associated with women), so that certain of the worst aspects of the masculine stereotype are actually reinforced. This also has everything to do with socialization and how we define gender roles.

    We talk very little about what it means to be a man and how terrifying it is for young boys and men to grapple with how to project a manly identity so as to avoid scorn and bullying. Most men I know are decent people, but with our obsession with toughness and silence on the delicate issue of what manhood means, we create the conditions for a subset of the male population to grow into dangerous men and to do harmful things to other men and especially to women.

    Thank you for bringing my attention to this project! This dialogue is essential.


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